OPINION: Breastfeeding in public? Suck it up folks

WHEN it comes to feeding your baby we have all heard the mantra that breast is best*. (* yes, it should come with a disclaimer given the number of issues that arise from that gland statement).

It's best for sure, just as long as it's not showcased in a cafe in front of people who are trying to suck their own cups of warm frothy milk at the same time.

Then it becomes a major issue for some grown-up suckers.

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I particularly like the suckers who try to equate it to urinating or taking a bowel movement in public. Well unless you are going to make your children consume those items you are expelling because they are starving, no it's not.

But this old 'chest'-nut is not really about a woman's choice to feed her baby when it gets hungry. It's about the vessel from which that elixir flows forth. Her tits, bazookas, jugs, knockers, mammary glands, breasts et al.

Yep, because those folds of skin with teats at the end designed by nature to feed offspring are so confusing to some suckers (um, food source, play things, food source, play things, food oh, sorry love I didn't mean to stare) it's best to just tuck them away at the back of your turtleneck only be smashed opened in a sustenance emergency and preferably in the nearest toilet block.

Or if you are nowhere near a stairwell you could wear one of those nursing burquas to test your baby's innate ability to suck and breathe at the same time while contending with some bonus smothering by the woman they love. This modesty shield also ensures the child's 'whole universe' is depriving them of eye contact - the other bonus of having boobs located on your chest rather than your back.

It's particularly amusing to hear from suckers who believe if a woman was more organised she wouldn't have to flop her "puppies" out at all in public, unless of course you are paying and there's a pole involved.

Surely you can feed the infant before you leave home? Yes maybe you could if they were programmed down to friendly minute intervals, but given most of the suckers suggesting this option probably struggle programming their Foxtel boxes, that's a bit rich.

Otherwise, if it was that simple, mothers would be telling Master Six Months not to wait until he is packed neatly into their travel seat and in transit before loading up his sixth nappy for the morning. "Just how many times are we going to get a visit from Bob Brown today?"

Then there are those suckers that don't mind women who breastfeed in public "as long as they are hot". It's nice to see their own mother's lactating contributions to their brain cell development wasn't a complete waste of time.

That just leaves the extreme sucker where anything remotely reproductive and female - except the sex bit because they can always paint themselves into that picture of delusion - should never be acknowledged let alone uttered outside the bathroom. PERIODS, VAGINAL BIRTHS, LACTATING BREASTS for instance.

Needless to say with this many suckers on boobwatch to contend with what's a cafe-going nursing mum to do?

Besides continuing to feed your hungry infant with impunity, you can always offer to top up their cappuccino.

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