From emergency with love: Be careful 'spicing things up'

I HAVE a true confession. I self-harm for sex.

Recently I had to have a contact lens removed from my eye socket after I failed to extract the thing myself after a hot date. I was too vain to wear my glasses. Consequently I spent three weeks suspecting I had something in my eye. I did. That little sucker was jammed right in there and it wasn't coming out anytime soon.

When I went from brunette to blonde - blondes have more fun - my scalp was so pink from the bleach that I needed to apply soothing cream for two days. I still love being blonde and don't intend going back even if it hurts. Men are nicer to me.

A week or two ago I twisted my ankle on my bike while trying out a new regime that promised to reshape my thighs. It certainly reshaped my ankle. I spent three hours in Accident and Emergency, getting it x-rayed and strapped.

Other I-hope-I-get-more-sex injuries include hot wax on my underarms, laser burns to my face and sunburn on my bottom.

I suspect that when I stop being interested in the opposite sex, my life will be much less eventful. I offer up these tales as words of caution, if you have been considering doing something "special" for Valentine's Day.

A canvas of friends and acquaintances who shall remain unnamed, although my brother-in-law is one of them, reveals that shaving and waxing what we'll call the Garden of Eden still remains a very popular why-don't-I-freshen-the-relationship-up-a-bit technique. Usually it results in nicks to small arteries or some kind of allergic rash. That being the case I would suggest February 14 is not the time to get a Brazilian for the first time, or to have everything lasered.

I would also recommend against any untried cosmetic procedure, such as Botox or fillers, to give you that "fresh" look before a romantic dinner. You simply never know what could go wrong and better to experiment in a less-pressured time frame.

A sudden fitness effort, or a determination to master all positions in the Joy of Sex, is also a good way to keep the osteopath or physiotherapist in business if you're not 21 anymore. I remember my boss arriving, after a weekend camping with the new boyfriend, in a particularly bad way. Pole dancing can have the same effect.

So, this Valentine's Day, play it safe in more ways than one. Buy a new dress, sure, or a nice shirt. But, when it comes to your body, love yourself just the way you are. Accident and emergency is busy enough and do you really want those interns telling dinner party stories about you long after you have been bandaged and sedated?

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