‘I feel sh*t’: Agonising Married At First Sight split
FISH and chips. A brown river. And a maxi taxi. These are the pathetic elements of a miserable and excruciating break-up. Of course they feature prominently in the Married At First Sight split we witness on Tuesday night.
Unfortunately, it's not Nadia and Anthony breaking up. On the one hand, I think the fact she hasn't left him is totally nutso, but on the other I'm super glad they're cracking on because I wouldn't have anything to write about if they left.
While they're still together, there's tension brewing. And Nadia's even taken inspiration from Jesse and come up with her own "door metaphor" - only hers has something to do with traffic lights.
But before we get there, let's talk about Andy and Vanessa splitting up in a deserted park on an overcast day before a sobbing Vanessa is pushed into a maxi taxi alone.
Andy's preference to not talk is putting a strain on his long distance relationship with Vanessa - and it's making for really boring Skype calls. So she flies from Melbourne to see him and everything unravels as soon as she arrives.
They sit next to a brown river in silence picking at fish and chips.
She asks him straight up if he sees how his reluctance to talk is hindering their relationship.
Because he doesn't talk, we've learnt to read his facial expressions. This one means "no".
"Have you seen the way I interact with my girlfriends? I want us to be able to do that," Vanessa pleads with him.
She wants to go out with Andy and drink cosmos and talk about that new Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon show and gab about boys. And he's just not delivering.
Andy gets emotional. So emotional, that he actually speaks.
"It's tough," he manages. "I don't know what to do. Do we stop it at friends?"
He's actually proposing they ditch this whole thing.
Vanessa then tries to save face by taking ownership of the break-up by making out like it was her idea all along.
"Although I'M initiating it, I want someone who appreciates you for who you are ..." she rambles, trying to maintain the upper hand.
She says it's unfair of her to ask Andy to change his life completely by starting to talk.
"There's nothing more to discuss. I agree," she concludes.
So it's decided.
They're both sombre. There's nothing left to say. And even if there was, Andy doesn't really talk so it wouldn't be said anyway. In an utterly miserable scene, they stare down into their half-eaten battered fish, the oil-stained butcher's paper fluttering in the breeze.
And just when it can't get sadder, it does.
"I feel so sh*t," Vanessa sobs.
Andy tries to comfort her, but his words only make it more painful.
"I'm good at being alone," he says flatly.
It's like Eeyore just got broken up with.
When they can't sit in silence anymore, Andy hugs Vanessa and sends her off alone in a maxi taxi. He doesn't realise it right now, but this one simple move has won him the break-up. Everybody knows there's nothing more humiliating than being seen alone in a maxi taxi.
Both Anthony and Nadia are probably elated that Vanessa and Andy have split tonight. With the focus finally off their dysfunctional relationship, I bet they think we're going to give them a break tonight and not pass judgment on the their life decisions or their interior design choices. But they're wrong. I'll always leave room for an update on Anthony and Nadia.
Last night, we watched as Anthony completely backtracked on his commitment to his wife. Shocked to the core, she jumped on the next flight to Sydney to demand the answer to one simple question: WTF?
"There's definitely been some second thoughts since the experiment," Anthony tells us bluntly.
Nadia can sense her husband's growing disinterest and she keeps talking about wanting him giving her a "green light". It's the equivalent of Jesse's door metaphor.
Once Nadia arrives in Sydney, she shows up at Anthony's place and they stand in the kitchen staring at the floor.
Anthony needs some fresh air so they start grabbing random things from around the house they think they'll need for a 20 minute walk.
When Nadia suggests taking a rug, Anthony is appalled at the thought he'd own a rug because rugs are for ladies and not men.
So they go to a beachside park and - because they have no rug - they're forced to sit on a bath towel and Nadia's jean jacket.
Nadia is here on a mission. She wants to know why Anthony is suddenly so uncomfortable with the idea of her moving to Sydney. Even though she didn't want to move in the first place, now Anthony has taken the offer off the table, she decides she now wants it.
Anthony rolls out any cliche excuse he can to stop Nadia getting closer.
"There's still a lot of stuff we need to learn about each other," he tells her, not making eye contact.
"I'm just used to being on my own," he says distantly.
"At our age we have to make the right call," he adds.
Away from Nadia, he's a little more candid with us. Basically, he found living with her every day to be quite the punish.
He suggests she stay in Brisbane and she starts talking about traffic lights again.
"I NEED A GREEN LIGHT!" she frets.
Oh, Nadia. Red lights are merely a suggestion. I run them all the time. Nothing bad happens. Do it.
For more observations on road rules and maxi taxis, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir