It may seem petty, shallow or materialistic (I mean, when am I not?) … but I cannot bloody wait for restaurants to reopen in Melbourne. 

I love going out for dinner. It's my favourite thing. Be it a quick bite with my partner, a bougie Saturday evening with mates or a long lunch that turns into dinner and, more often than not, a rosé-fuelled argument, I love it all.

With news of restrictions slowly rolling back in Melbourne in coming weeks I've already started booking in reservations for every evening that first week.

"We're supporting hospitality," I told Jack when I informed him we'd be out six nights on the trot.

All of Melbourne is very ready to get back to its restaurants and cafes. Picture: supplied
All of Melbourne is very ready to get back to its restaurants and cafes. Picture: supplied

"Maybe we're just gluttons," he responded. I shrugged my shoulders and thought, "situation normal then".

Aside from the fact I may laugh a little loud after a few wines, I like to think of myself as a dream restaurant guest. I'm always on time for a reservation, the only time I'm on time for anything. I also always make the table shut up and listen when the waiter is running through the specials. Not because I'm necessarily interested in what's on the specials menu, more so because I think of the delivery of the specials as a "performance" and we the diners the "audience". It's the same as the safety demonstration on planes.

Joel Creasey plans to spend every night at a different restaurant. Picture: supplied
Joel Creasey plans to spend every night at a different restaurant. Picture: supplied

I'll also never send anything back at a restaurant. Ever. That's not entirely true, I did once and once only. At a Chinese restaurant on the Gold Coast my fried rice had chipped plate all throughout the dish. Being so polite, I still tried to force it down before realising my mouth was bleeding.

On the rare occasion people might recognise me, I'll always offer a selfie. Awkward when they decline. Recently (as in, a year ago), a couple were very excited to be sitting next to me at on a busy Sunday evening. I leant over and told them Jerry Seinfeld was several tables down and soon word had spread, with a queue of people lining up by his table to get a photo. Soz, Jerry.

Originally published as Joel Creasey's plans for a restriction-free Melbourne


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