REVEALED: Dalby’s worst Tinder profiles

Good old Tinder, the hunting ground for young people at a festival, those who are ready to dip their toes back into the dating pool again and finally, people that just miss the concept of “attraction” all together.

One of the very first comments I received when I told my family that I had received a job in Dalby was “omg you’re going to marry a farmer!”

For the next week my eyes got a workout from rolling with the insane amount of times I would continue to hear this comment.

I have not been on Tinder since I was in high school, which was purely for a laugh at recess however, I have never been naive to the game of Tinder.

About a year ago, my roommate went out on a Tinder date on what I believe was a Wednesday night. I didn’t think she would be out long but after waiting a few hours for her return I received the old “See you tomorrow” text.

As I was getting ready to go to work the next morning, my roommate returned home, but with a butternut pumpkin.

Yes – you read that right – a butternut pumpkin.

As it turns out, the guy was one of the biggest pumpkin growers in the region. Although a rather strange parting gift, it didn’t go unused, as we roasted it for dinner that night.

Thanks again pumpkin Pete!

Within an hour upon my arrival in Dalby my friends were already trying to scope the scene.

While they were not disappointed it wasn’t exactly for the right reasons.

Below are some of Dalby’s most charming Tinder matches.

First up we have Luke, although a rather brief introduction it is nothing less than what I expected signing up for this rot. The only cowboy shit that I will be accepting in 2020 and beyond in Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. Now that, is some real cowboy shit.

Brycey boy, if I knew what your bio even meant I still wouldn’t do it hun x

Now Byron might just be the man for me, a deep-rooted hate for coriander is honestly enough for me to go buy a wedding dress tomorrow, except for the two aggressive exclamation points at the end of the statement.

You might have a few anger issues there Byron.

Zack please help me out, so you love sport and Mexican food? Or do you love sport and are in fact a Mexican man? The lack of grammar hurts my heart but clearly by your choice of emoji to accompany these two facts about you, you also love to confuse people.

Michael, you got me. There is nothing I would love more in this world than if a random stranger from Tinder came and picked me up and we headed off into the sunset to do some nose candy. I also have a strong inkling Michael copy and pasted his bio from somewhere, we all know an apprentice chippy is not going to be the one to shout. #agirlcandream

You’re honest Will, I’ll give you that.

So many people lie online to get dates, like have you seem MTV’s catfish???

Will however, lets you know exactly what you are in for, so thanks Will, I appreciate you.

Wow Jayden you really know how to get a girl going.

I would just like to point out the word ‘try’ here.

Although Jayden is a self-proclaimed lover for blood and gore, he promises that he won’t try and murder you.

So, I want to know Jayden, if I decided to swipe right, and we ended up Netflix and chilling, we pick a horror movie (because god forbid you watch The Notebook) and about halfway through we see a gruesome scene, do you really want me to believe that you won’t get the urge to murder me, or at least try to anyway, so many thanks for that.

Props for knowing how to cook though x

Ahh, the old “it’s looks or it’s nothing”

It’s a shame we aren’t allowed to provide these fine specimens pictures, because Michael’s was a Webber yes, a Webber. As in the barbecue.

Nothing else, just his hand holding a Great Northern and his Webber.

I hate to be the one to tell you Michael, but you’re getting matched for a laugh, not for your Webbing abilities.

I appreciate the honesty Alan, I really do.

Although I am sure blue eyes were once a selling point as a human being #hitler

Unfortunately for me, Game of Thrones has ruined having blue eyes forever.

So if you still haven’t found the one I would contact George R. R. Martin and blame him.

As for your small penis, good luck.

Never in my life have I said that, that is not it as much as I did with this profile.

We’ve crossed into the true dark side of Tinder. Now it’s bad enough that an expecting father can’t even spell it correctly, let alone blatantly admitting to cheating on his ‘misso’. Poor girl.

Lachy I hope for your sake that your bio is nothing more than a weird flex however, judging by your outstanding choice in pictures you display on your profile, I sadly doubt it.

Also to anyone that swipes right on accounts like this and goes through with it, you need Jesus, or Judge Judy, either one.

Imagine this, you are a single mother who drops their kid off at old mate James’ house because your kids are friends.

You arrive home and see that Tinder has sent you one of those generic notifications reminding you to use the app.

You sit down and open up it up, swipe for a little and stumble across James, what do you do?

Stay classy James, hopefully you’re open to shouting your third party a coffee.

One like and I’ll take Cody home at Easter and show my mum this.

Although a rather creative play on words Cody, you have ruined a once enjoyable toy from my childhood. Prick.

Dear Baydan, every school holiday’s since I was the age of about 4, my brother and I would get up, have a bowl of coco pops, sit down in front of our square TV and play Crash Bandicoot until an ungodly hour. You sir, have ruined that, probably forever.

For someone who LOVES COUNTRY MUSIC(!!!), you have spelt it wrong in the midst of your anger. For the third time in this story someone has demolished a childhood joy for me.

Can you guys please stop taking nostalgic pieces of my upbringing and turning it into filth? Thx

Hi Hayden, like yourself, as you so kindly pointed out, I also refuse to interact with snakes.

There is something about them that is slimy and gross.

As for the later part of your statement, that is something I would encourage for you to ‘fuck with’ as it actually helps to prevent you and your partner contracting sexually transmitted diseases, I know crazy theory, just keep it in mind pal x.

This one is purely here as a combo breaker from all these vulgar people, although I am not too sure on the three kids when you’re basically a child yourself but I hope you find what you are looking for Cory.

Misleading from the get-go, is your name Lachlan or Hoggy because I’m already feeling like I have been catfished.

What sort of bike to you have?

Is it a Harley or a Mongoose?

These are the real questions Lachlan, or Hoggy, whatever your name is.

Ben, you should really go into advertising, you know how to sell yourself.

Although we aren’t legally permitted to show their photos, old mate Benny boy would not be a day over 21 nor would he have the other thing he proclaims to have #Allfictionnofact

Dalby’s had some pretty good rainfall as of late, Shayne, maybe try the creek, build up some more life experience.

I don’t really know what you want me to do about that Blair, like I really don’t know how to help you.

Ahh, Tinder … after swiping for countless hours and giving myself carpal-tunnel, I came across Wayne. Although self-proclaimed “non-judgmental” please be advised that you will need to fill in an application along with proof of Australian residency if you wish to take Wayne and his missus up on this lucrative deal.

Here we have what appears to be old mate Anthony’s resume, you know how I know that, because of the references.

Imagine ringing an old girlfriend up saying “hey I really like this girl; would you mind vouching for me?”

I’m sure everyone on the face of this earth would love the opportunity to vouch for an ex.

If I had to pick one caption to cap off this experience, it’s Kyle’s.

The sheer brutality of his request is enough to make anyone swipe left, or right, whatever floats your boat, and if its working for you Kyle you keep up the good work.

Have you ever come across a tinder bio so shocking you had to share it? send it through to emily.jarvis@dalbyherald.com.au.

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